Online Dating June 10, 2008

So I proudly admit that I’m an OKCupid user (if you’re interested, you can find me here).  I figured that because I’m so busy at my job, I don’t have time to meet people that aren’t going through a divorce/suing someone/not in the country legally.

It struck me that perhaps I should look at alternative options (bars being out of the question).  After sorting through my options (Match.com too expensive, Eharmony.com rejects you), I stumbled upon OKCupid, which made a lot of sense to me. 

I don’t really have a desire to date; it stems from my long ranging experiences with bad dates.  Therefore, I listed my preferences for a long-distance penpal.

It seems that women are highly outnumbered by men on dating sites (I can see the logic here–there’s something nice about not having to actually make real face to face conversation until much later.  Men would appreciate that).  Thus began my foray into any sort of online communication.

It has been a fun, sometimes exasperating, experience.  Online dating is not that different from real dating, but I think that personality can often times make up for a lack in looks, whereas in real life you don’t have time to judge a person’s character before you either get turned on or turned off by their looks.

I’ve met a great penpal on the site (success!) who is intelligent and writes coherent emails.  I don’t have any plans to meet him and I think that’s why we can communicate so easily.  I don’t feel bad about telling him about all the foibles of my past and present.  We have communicated usually daily and although the emails consist more of hypotheticals and the occasional confession, I enjoy them more than if they were just about the hard facts of life.

I did get a very nice message from this one boy who was not only polite, but his grammar was stellar.  I don’t think I’m interested in him, but maybe we can be penpals (I love correspondence).

But there have been the oddballs too.  Take this weirdo guy who has me confused with someone else.  In the space of less than 15 emails he has gone from just being polite to being outright insulting.  Don’t ask me why I don’t just block him.  I don’t know either.  I have a persistent feeling that I allow him to keep talking to me for the attention and because I like being baited.  Exasperatingly enough, I have reached his number 3 spot on top matches, despite the fact that he isn’t even in my top 10 or even 20, I think.  Also, he mispells things, which automatically puts him back in the pile because I while I can tolerate the occasional typo, it’s unforgivable when they spell a simple word like “weird” wrong.  And he seems full of himself, saying that at 39 he has “boyish good looks” but his pictures indicate that he is probably, yes, in his thirties somewhere. 

 

Mysterious Things, Those Relationships June 7, 2008

I went to lunch with Jon today.  And it was great.  We talked, we ate, and we laughed a lot.  And I thought nothing about it until later when Mandy was telling me about how she is having trouble making Jon pay attention to her.   And all I could think of was, “Well, he didn’t seem to have problems talking to me.”  It troubles me. 

Jon has not been one to blow me off when he talks to me, unless he really is busy doing something like studying.  If he does, then I just move on and do something else, no worries.  And I suppose she was like that too before she moved up, but now she is lonely and bored, and I understand that of all people, she would expect Jon to really be there for her.  Jon is not by any means flaky, I think.  He is very dependable and always comes and calls when he says he will.  We get along very well, who knows why?  And I think that perhaps he doesn’t understand how deeply Amanda is aggravated by the fact that he just “uh-huhs” his way through a conversation.  But he’s so good during our conversation!  Full eye contact, really attentively listening, asking me questions, answering cleverly to my questions.  It’s so hard to believe that she has a hard time talking to him.  But, the problem, I suspect, is that they have been together for such a long time that they take each other for granted.  Jon forgot how to really appreciate her, and take note of her activities and accomplishments and to put her first.  Which is too bad, because they used to be so very happy.

As for Andrea, of all the people that the little bastard who has been plaguing me for the last couple days should wish to have, she is the one that should be in his prayers every day.   I sent her a copy of the email to read, just because I couldn’t handle the burden myself, and she was so quick to rise to my defense.  I cried because I was so lucky to have such a friend who moved to carry a burden so quickly instead of running away or criticizing me.  Instead he has Alisha, who in my humble opinion, is a waste of space.  So of the two of us, who is the real winner?  Andrea will hopefully be by my side as my best friend forever until the day we both die.   I owe her my life because she has stood by me for so long.  She has never decided that I was not worth her time and never turns me away when I’m in trouble.  I will stand next to her too when she has burdens and shoulder half so that in turn her burdens are lighter too.  Despite the terribly unlucky interaction of my life and the little bastard’s, I am so very fortunate to have a best friend such as Drea.

Airplane Ticket Woes June 5, 2008

Okay, so I have to go buy my plane tickets to go to school and come back.  I logged into United, because that is my airline of choice (I have miles there).  I type in my airports and hit “search”.  I went to get a glass of water, and I came back, and nearly spit my mouthful of water out.

$1800.00. 

It was so absurd.  Holy crap, I think the most expensive ticket I EVER got was for $1600 when I went to Boston last minute.  I almost passed out looking at the price tag to go and fly back home.  Needless to say, I don’t think it would be worth it to go home in the first place.  I think maybe I’ll just buy a one way ticket to my destination and never mind coming home anymore until ticket prices come down. 

But then, it occurred to me that this is all to blame on rising fuel prices.  So then I cursed out (not in order) the President, the oil companies, the Arabs/Venezuelans/mystery people who get the oil to turn into fuel, the airlines, the Vice President, all of Washington D.C., myself for choosing to go far away, my school for being so far away, and all the CEOs of oil companies who are probably sitting in their gazillion dollar mansions, gleefully chuckling while I sit here, stumped, figuring out how I’m going to pay for this ticket.

June 2, 2008

Waugh.  I really am tired. 

I stayed up all night last night worrying about that stupid email.  I tried everything not to think about it, but it was like not thinking about a pink elephant.  It was awful.  So finally, at 2:30 am I crept out to read it.  And it was poisonous.  Holy smokes.  I didn’t think anything could be so dangerous, but it was just full of accusations from top to bottom, and the kicker was (as I correctly assumed) that I was not to contact him ever again, including to defend myself.

Well. 

I didn’t know what to say.  I mean, I understand all of his anger, but why is he lashing out at me now?  I told him about this ages ago.  I was dead serious at the time, and it didn’t bother him until his girlfriend got mad.  And that bitch.  She knew all about it too.  Why is she bothering now?  I’m so frustrated with the both of them I could scream.  Pfff.  I knew I should have listened to the little voice in my head screaming, “NOOOOOO!” when the idea popped into my head to buy some candy and send it to him.

What truly stunned me at the time was his accusation of rape.  I was wasted too, and BOTH times he initiated sexual contact.  And I didn’t “forget” anything.  At first I had to sit back and think maybe I was crazy, thinking that I made everything up, but you know what? I’m not crazy.  His girlfriend is a nutcase, and so is he.

But it’s so toxic and it’s just poisoned my life (again).  From 5000 miles away, he’s managed to fuck up my life again.  And that bitch he calls his girlfriend.  That little jealous tramp.  If I ever had the chance to meet her, I wish for the courage to knock her back a couple of years.  I just want to yell at her and just ask her what the fuck was up with all of her nonsense.  I mean, she could have made an issue of it ages ago.  She was the winner, and shouldn’t she just be content with that?  I never meant to…ugh…”sabotage”…their relationship.  As if I could! That’s laughable.

But dammit.  I spent all of today worrying and worrying and I wanted to kill myself, and I’m all mentally sick again.  Shit.  I had trouble concentrating because I was worried about what he said.  But now I just have to forget it all.  I don’t know what he wanted to accomplish with that stupid email, but it’s ridiculous.  I’ll never speak to either of them again so long as I live.  They think I’m all into betrayal?  Pot, meet kettle.

Sunday June 1, 2008

So good to be lazy!!! I love weekends when I can sleep in until the afternoon, and wake up with the afternoon sun streaming into my window.  I’ve been so stressed about Susan’s party and the email, and between them both, I forgot how to just enjoy being ridiculously lazy. 

But, alas, I’m off to work.  Nobody’s called me (surprise surprise) but I feel obligated to go nonetheless.  When I feel this good, nothing is going to knock me off my socks.

Whoo, Summer! May 18, 2008

Alriiiiiight! I finished my finals on Thursday (I’m a badass). 

So now summer officially begins.

Wanna know what I’m going to do with my summer? (I bet you do!)

I’m going to work like hell.

You heard me.  I’m going to go to work all day, every day.  And I’m going to love every second of it.  And then in August, adios!

Hopefully that is not all I’m going to do.  Andrea is coming home, and so is Jon.  Amanda I’m sort of not sure yet, I should probably call her.  Kyle’s home already (I haven’t seen him like more than once this entire time that he’s been home).  And Dustin is too!

So here’s the breakdown of my planning for this summer (moving is such a pain).

Through the end of May: Work hard, play hard.

June: Work hard, play a little more.  Receive housing assignments.

July: Begin panicking.  Worry that plane ticket will not come through.  Wonder if law school is really the best idea.

First week of August: Turn in 2 weeks notice.  Bawl like a baby.  Panic some more.

Second week of August: Pack up everything (again). 

2 days after that: On a plane.

Oh yes.  My summer is shaping up.

I’m so excited. 

Something new May 3, 2008

Every once in a while, you stumble upon something or someone that just changes the path of your life for just a small while, or even a big while.

And I have just stumbled upon yet another thing or person.  I know nothing about him really.  I have never met him in my life.  But we are internet email-penpals. 

And he’s interesting and new and his goals are so noble that they make me feel bad for being not so…noble.  And I’m excited because he’s funny and he seems smart.  I don’t have any ideas about where this is going.  I’m smarter than that this time around.  I’m not in love, but I do look forward to his emails everyday.  In fact, not everyday, but twice or three times everyday. 

You know who would like him a lot?  Andrea.  Yes.  He’s artsy and seems to enjoy all things cultural and language too.  He would be almost perfect for her.  Maybe I will mention it to her later.

Hump Day. Bah. May 3, 2008

So it’s Wednesday.  I am halfway through the week and about to head downhill towards the weekend.  But let me tell you–getting up to the peak of the week is a hard task.

So far this morning, I have had a headache (cured that, took two Tylenol and away it went!), one annoying client (she hasn’t called back yet, but I don’t doubt that she’ll call again…and again…and again…), and a stomachache (I’m sure it’s because of the hashbrown!).  The list of sorrows goes on and on.

Getting Some Directions April 30, 2008

4/19/08, 11:09 pm:

I am officially a Spartan as of today. 

The University of Hawaii Manoa law school didn’t want me and so I’m headed off to Michigan instead.  I can tell my dad is pretty disappointed and so is my mother, but what am I going to do?  Yeah, I totally goofed off in high school and in undergrad and now I’m paying for it.  Or rather, they are, which is really depressing.

But this time, I’m going to make it right and do what I said I was going to do.  I’m going to come out of it with a law degree, and I’m going to make it into the top ten percent of my class.  I didn’t know what I wanted going into undergraduate, and when I finished, I still didn’t know what I wanted.  But now I’m passionate about finishing, if only because it means that I don’t have to worry anymore about a job or any more school.  I am very lucky to have parents who are willing to pay all of this for me.

Hopefully this time I won’t slack off, and instead I’ll be able to move past my laziness and do something with myself.  My dad keeps telling me I’m squandering my potential to do well in school, but I’ve been so lazy because I’ve lacked focus or a direction in my life.  Maybe now I can really find something that will fire me and make me want something for myself, instead of just wanting because others wanted it for me.

And now that the decision is final and I’m not in limbo, it means that I can start doing things towards this.  Register for class, get an apartment, set my plane trip up, find furniture, find a roommate.  It’s all there, all in my reach, and all I have to do is get up off my sorry butt and reach for it.